oh god. I'm packing for the move, and throwing out beautiful clothes that are way too small. I hold them up and it looks like a child would fit into them. it's crazy to think how your mind changes with your body; I think, "how could I have possible fit into that less than two years ago? it's impossibly small." And back then I was asking the same things about even smaller clothes.

it's making me feel sick, I'm dizzy and teary and nauseous. fuck. I fucking hate this. Why couldn't i see that I looked good before? I felt chubby when I had a 26 inch waist. i was a size 2. how the fuck did I think I was chubby? I couldn't even enjoy my skinny years. It's my mom's fault I think, she was always telling me i was gaining weight. WTF I WAS A FUCKING SIZE 2.

It seems so shallow to be so affected by all of this, but I can't help it. fuck.

hey guys,

I got a new blog! that old one i posted about a while back was really for a class...so don't worry about that one. this one is to go with my website, for networking purposes, but it's still going to be fun and cool! I'd love you guys to add it to your readers or bookmark it.


Me and joey sign a lease for an apartment in Williamsburg Brooklyn tomorrow. The hallway and staircase are hella ghetto, but the actual apartment is nice, and (THANK GOD) the rooms are bigger. It's off the second stop from the L train from Manhattan so we're not too far out there. hopefully we'll make a lot of new friends there so i don't have to go back to brooklyn late at night.

We move on the 1st of June, please kill me, I'm so stressed and i really have too much stuff. ackkkkkkkkk. hate moving. please someone invent a teleporter. please, I'm begging you.

I graduated on friday...I have school up until then, I had a kidney infection and had to write a 10 page paper and prepare and present my portfolio through it. it was utter HELL.

anyway,

here's a picture from my art opening a from a wile back, to see the work, check my (updated) site


here's my dress from boat dance





I don't know if any of the pictures my parents took at graduation of my dress came out, because i know a lot of them didn't.

I'm moving to brooklyn in two weeks, and i need to find an apartment there :/


still getting over the kidney infection, made me want to die at the bacchelorette (sp?) service. this is how stressed i was, my body conjured up the worst kidney infection ever at the worst possible time. I have be be a grown-up now...it's pretty scary. I hate moving.

hey everyone, here's the postcard for my show...the front and back together.

my dreams have gotten back at me for posting my last entry (claiming I only have nightmares)

Had a wonderful dream last night!






I was somehow in charge of a publicity thing for Hanson and Tom's shoes (buy one pair, one gets donated to somewhere poor- hanson is a big supporter). Taylor Hanson was the only hanson involved in this particular event, so I was posing him and some other people for a picture, holding up the shoes, ect.

For some reason, I was in the picture too...and I was so nervous about Taylor being there, so I kept having stupid ideas (like making everyone stand in a row and holding up a shoe to their face).

While I was doing all of this, Taylor got something out of my hair, and then motioned for me to whisper something into his ear. but i thought he wanted a kiss on the cheek, so i gave him one (completely giddy by this time); then he kind of stood back and looked at me, smiling. Everyone else around was like, "WHOOOO!" because it was obvious he was showing romantic interest in me, then he said something about his wife, something really dismissive.

I love having good dreams.

I don't understand why we have to suffer in our sleep.


It should be a release from life, but instead it is riddled with terrifying nightmares that seem to never end.

I haven't had a good dream in years (that i can remember)


I think it has to do with the Zoloft.

i painted my nails like this for vday so i could semi flip it off. it makes sense. just let it happen.





i went on a fabulous date with britney!

-China Beer (Japanese Grill, not it's real name)
- max brenner's chocolate; the best chocolate desserts evar



and might i just say, once in a billion years, a random man on the street actually makes you feel good instead of skeeving you out;

example:

"Oh wow, look at my lovely neighbor in her red valentines dress, what a lucky man you have, YOU ARE A GIFT! happy valentines day!"

said with such sincerity that it actually made my day. a lucky man, hah! I scoff at the thought! actually, Butter's pretty lucky.

A few things-


here's my website (I only have a few crappy images up now)


last night was 100 nights ( meaning 100 nights until the seniors graduate); it was a masquerade with wonderful food. So Britney couldn't go, Joey isn't a senior, my friend Hope didn't want to go, so I begged kristen to come.

observe us on out way to the masquerade, doesn't Kristen look thrilled?


so, turns out she's not technically a senior, so she was denied at the door. I had to enter the semi-formal even by-myself

to some, this may not seem like a big deal, but to me it's very important. I was pretty freaked out but i sucked it up and went in...I mingled for a while until I found a few girls I'd had a few classes with-



and it was pretty fun, btw this is the entire dress-




So la-di-dah, we were dancing, having a good time...then of course Tyler shows up.


Now for some background information:
take a look at this entry from 2005 and read the comments; that "anonymous" comment was from this girl named Griffin who I invited into my dorm room and gave jello shots to, but she was somehow offended that I was hanging out with her fuck buddy Corey who allison (my then roomate) was dating. I really don't understand what her deal was/is, but she really had problem with me for no reason but instead of confronting me, made an anonymous and grammatically incorrect  comment.


Back to 2008:
this issue was never resolved with Griffin; so I'm dancing, and what do I see? Griffin and Tyler all over each other dancing (it made it slightly better that tyler is a HORRIBLE dancer...no exaggeration). The were trying their best to bump and grind..
I tried to ignore it, i really really did. I stayed for about 6 more songs before they went to the bar and Griffin was touching him. It literally made me feel so sick that I had to leave.

Ugh, I don't understand why I have to be so affected..I'd give anything to not care.

However, I am comforted by the fact that if they ever dated, i know they would be disgusted with each other. HAHA, Griffin probably still reads this after all these years.

BAHHHH this morning my mom brought me some tea to wake me up, she put it on a tray on my bed due to my instructions. Of course, my idiotic self was like, "ohh I'll just lay down for a sec,"



All of the sudden, I feel my skin burning, I knocked the tea over in my sleep and i have 2nd degree burns on my thigh and hip, it swelled up right away and my skin started peeling, after a few minutes, a gazillion blisters started to appear. Of course when explaining to my mom, I left out the part about my being asleep, and just told her i simply knocked it over.


It was so scary, we weren't sure for a while if we needed to go to the hospital or not. It hurt so bad but it's better now, all gauzed and wrapped up.



Yesterday, Jenni manned the camera for a butter and mommy photoshoot...it was funnnnn

( let's cut this bitch )

Break has been pretty good, of course there are the occasional family fights.

I'm watching MTV right now, MADE is one and there's this white swordfighting kid who wants to be a rapper. His name is Collin Colt and he is so cute!! <3 Collin



New Years SUCKEDDDDDD ASSSSSSS. waste of an outfit

men men men...why are you all gay, asexual, or frat boys?


If you've recently had a heart break, do NOT watch the foreign film, "An Affair of Love"


I'm having a style identity crisis- I think I don't like mod anymore. I know, i know, blasphemy right? for over one 1/2 years i've been almost strictly mod; first it was Mia Farrow, then this semester i started on Edie Sedgewick.  I don't know what to do...that's my entore wardrobe! if I'm not a mod, then what am I? I don't know, i really don't know...I'm into the MK & A, corey kennedy look, but everyone else is doing that. I liked having something that people identified me as, sure, mod was in style, but no one did it completely, no one wore mainly vintage frocks, complete with back tights, white boots, endless bangles and other countless pieces of plastic jewelry- with the daring hair cut and perhaps a fake mole. (don't forget the false eyelashes). I don't know where i stand, i don't know what i am, i don't know what I'll do.

I do know what I like
- opera gloves (leather)
- ridiculous platforms
- large rings (at least two to a hand)
- Beautiful large leather bags, soft
- dark nail polish
    - navy
    - grey
    - gunmetal
    - dark purple
- boots
- pashima scarves (grey or white)
- silk over-the-knee socks (prada style)
- oversized cardigans
- lots of bracelets and bangles
- shorts over tights
- sweater dresses
- plaid

but guess the fuck what?! everyone likes all that shit!

Hypnosis downloads are helping me. for reals, not a scam. $12.95 for one download, about 30 mins in length that you get to keep forever, and the price goes down when you purchase more than one at the same time. I have "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome," and "overcome lethargy."

done.

If you think I got a medium pizza from 10 ft away delivered to my apt, and I have eaten all but two pieces...you are wrong! I would never do something like that!








It's a Large pizza.

I'm better with fatigue and the depression, but very slowly, I still have a ton of things to do.


Last night, I went to a masquerade at the MET. It was awesome, everyone was beautiful.

I haven't had a "photo shoot" especially a solo one, in years I think.
we all know I don't use cuts too often.

















And because it makes me feel good, if only for a second- my true love and I

  Just had tele convo with the parents, and ended up bursting out in tears about the future, ect. I'm very depressed right now, and more tired than ever. i honestly don't have any energy right now,

    i came to the conclusion thaty i'm the type of person who needs to be taken care of...I don't do too well on my own. I wake up every morning thinking i'm in houston, because in my heart that's where i long to be. it's so easy and comfortable there. When i think of the long term, i want to be in NY, but it's just so hard right now.  Mom said I could come home for a few years and make some contacts but honestly i'd never come back if I did that. I'm so tired and afraid.

    My eyes are infected...i don't want to got o the doctor.

I am addicted to yahoo answers


I have a huge crush on a guy that seems to be asexual...no one can figure him out. (we plan to get him drunk and find out for sure)

I saw richie rich at drunk brunch today..got a pic with him! (coming soon)

spent too much at marc jacobs

let me begin by saying I'm making most of my posts from now on public.

now, something very irritating that happened to me the other day

This requires a little background info-

So I am an illustrator, I also write and illustrate children's books. I get a lot of inspiration from vintage children's book and some modern as well. I live in NYC and sometimes, if someone wants to throw out a book, they put it somewhere on the street where someone can see it to take it. i love finding books and do it often. in my apt building there are paper and plastic recycling bins on the bottom of the stairs, across from the mailboxes; people will sometimes put things that really aren't recyclable down there if they think someone else in the building might want them.

So, today the bus kept being packed full of people so I walked home (not that far but about 20 blocks). I had my books and a powerade which made my bag heavy, then i stopped for chinese takeout. So I had to walk with lots of stuff.

When I get into my building, I see these two large white boxes by the recycling, and figure they are trash, I lift the lid of one (it wasn't secured in any way) to see what was inside- and lo and behold there were TONS of children's books, along with some children's novels! the second box was full of children's books on tape with the books. I didn't want the tapes, but i wanted the books from both boxes.

The boxes were so fucking heavy and I am a weak piece of shit, so I decided to take the one full of books and go down to get the second one later. Let me take this moment to say that I live on THE FIFTH FLOOR (obv no elevators).

So I suck it up and heave the box along with all my other stuff to my apt. I am VERY exited about this find and go through my getting home routine of changing my clothes, putting stuff up, turning on the tv, having a drink, ect. this whole time I was thinking about the books.

Soon, my roomate comes in and asks what I got, I started to tell him what happened and he goes "oh, yeah that lady put a note downstairs that says please bring the box back those books are for underprivileged children."

WHAT THE FUCK. no note was on saying not to throw them away, they weren't even taped up, and they were in the givaway spot!!! WTF?!?!!?

ugh I'm so annoyed...I paid my roomate a dollar to take them back downstairs which also annoys me because he still owes me $15 form a while back.

congratz if you got through this long boring post.

a question-
why do non-double stuff oreos exist? what's the point?

a sad yet comforting and wonderful thing-
the last unicorn (the movie)

observe.









SUUUPA BOWWWL